Whose the worst?

I’ve come across a lot of different types of fans during my time at Wrigley and as a sports fan in general. There are the die-hards, the loyalists and the general supporters. But then there are also the lower class fans. The one’s who don’t cheer a good hit and run or are more concerned with the Y.M.C.A. then the C.U.B.S. So I decide to make a list of the five worst types of fans, going from least to most awful.

Roots only against, not for

Example: “Well my bracket’s ruined, but I’m still in contention to win my pool, so I want Duke to lose, but I really don’t care who wins the championship.”

This rule most often applies in playoff and tournament situations. Your team has been eliminated, you don’t care who wins it all, as long as it’s not your least favorite team/your best friend’s squad/the person in first place in the pools team. While I understand that this is a common practice among many so-called real fans, it is not appropriate. This is because the point of being a fan is to cheer your team on to victory, not to cheer against a foe. Exceptions for this are any game that your archrival is in. So as a big time Florida Gator fan, I can cheer for Virginia Tech when they play Florida State, even though I don’t like the Hokies at all.


Forgivers and forgetters

Example: “Yeah, James Posey tried to tackle Kirk Hinrich on a break away, but he helped my fantasy team, so I still like him.”

Unlike in baseball, being an athlete has a one strike and you’re out policy. You hurt the team, either as a team member or opponent, and you must live the rest of your life in sports exile. This rule doesn’t apply to everything done on the field or court, but more so of stuff done outside the lines. (Like Dez White, who was a constant pass-dropper as a member of the Bears, is still allowed in the Windy City, but Cade McClown, who was a jerk to every person he came across, isn’t.) Another way to put yourself in hiding is to hold out for more money when you don’t deserve it (Eddy Curry) or leave as a free agent to a hated rival. (Johnny Damon, though he did win a WS with the Red Sox, so that may be different)

So if a fan forgives one of these athletes, they are proving themselves as not real fans. True Philly fans will never cheer T.O., even if he burns the Giants for 155 yards and three touchdowns and puts the Eagles in the playoffs. A hardcore Boston fan would never give a standing-O to Roger Clemens after he left the Red Sox to go the Blue Jays and Yankees. And as a huge Bulls fan, you’d be more likely to see me walking around topless then see me rocking a John Starks or Pat Ewing jersey. The law’s the law, and those who cheer are breaking it.


People who pretend to care

Example: My dad, who asks me every day if the Cubs won or not, yet has never picked up the sports section to read about them and wouldn’t know Matt Murton from Matt Laurer.

Some people just don’t like sports. I understand that. I can accept that. But if you are one of those people, then please don’t lie to yourself and others by faking an interst. Because when you do this, it makes us, the real fans, look like morons. We have to spend our time, which we would be using complaining about our fantasy teams, checking stats or playing sports-related video games, explaining simple stuff to you. Who’s playing? Why are those guys just letting him take first base? What’s the yellow line on the field mean? Just go do your thing and let us do ours.

(This law may get you wondering what constitutes a real sports fan. I could write an entire column about that, but here are some of the basic rules. One, you must follow the team all year round. If it’s a college team, you have to know who the recruits are. If it’s football, you have to know in March who your team should be targeting in the draft. Two, you have to follow every game. This means either watch, on TV or live, listen on the radio, keep track of on the web or read the recap the next morning in the newspaper or Internet. Three, you must be able to discuss the team for at least thirty minutes at a time, without a problem. No ‘Uh, you know, whats-his-name in leftfield” or “That coach we had before really sucked”. Four, you must own some type of apparel to support the team. And last but not least, you have to have a valid reason to support the team. Saying, “I liked the mascot” doesn’t cut it.


Bandwagon Jumpers

Example: “Yeah, I love the White Sox”

Quick history lesson. A long time ago, when circus’ traveled from city to city, coming un-announced and usually leaving with more then they came with, they had a couple of wagon’s that carried all of their equipment and supplies. Another wagon or two housed all of the clowns and other worker. And a final wagon carried a band, one that would start playing once the circus got to a city so that all the kids would come to the fairgrounds. And the people would all run out of their homes and jump on the bandwagon and head to the circus show. So they were all bandwagon jumpers. Now a days, a bandwagon jumper is a person who doesn’t care about a team at all until they find out they are in first place and doing well. Then they make the Jimmy Fallon in ‘Fever Pitch’ transition from regular dude to super-fan. (Except that Fallon’s character knew he was a fan. A bandwagon jumper has no fan experience prior to hopping aboard.) Suddenly they are wearing the shirts, buying the tickets, complain about mistakes like they are a true fan. Get out of here.

Last year I approached a so-called White Sox fan after they won the title and congratulated him. The topic eventually turned to Joe Crede, who was from the same hometown as this kid. I said, “Crede is solid at third, but Ventura was better.” The kid wearing the White Sox hat just shook his head in confusion. He had never heard of Robin Ventura. (For those of you un-educated folks, Ventura is no old school, 1920’s player. He was a White Sock from 1989-1998 and won five Gold Gloves) I lost all respect for the kid and was mad at myself for the rest of the day for even congratulating him in the first place. An obvious bandwagon jumper, and obviously not a real fan.

And the worst, most disgusting type of fan is…

Two teams, one league

Example: “I like the Cubs, but the Padres are my second-favorite team because I went on a nice vacation to San Diego one time.”

This is the worst crime because it is both the most common and most obvious one to not commit. Think about it. When picking a political party, you can’t say you like the Democrats most, but also tend to support the Green Party. You have to chose just one. Same with teams. If you like the Cubs, then all the other 15 teams in the National League are off limits, as are the White Sox, who are the Cubs AL rival. In basketball, you can only like one team, since both the Eastern and Western Conference teams face each off every year. Same in football with the AFC and NFC. In college, you can theoretically pick one team in each conference as long as they are not rivals. But no more then that. Because if you do pick multiple teams as favorites, you face the risk of these two teams facing each other multiple times a year, or even worse in a playoff or championship situation.

Lets say you grew up in Pittsburgh and are a die-hard Stealer fan. Last year for college you went off to the University of Washington, and since you were in Seattle, all you got every weekend were the West Coast games and you began to grown fond or Shaun Alexander and the Seahawks. You’d discuss Big Ben and the Steel Curtain with your boys from home and Lofa Tatupu with the kids in your dorm. Never would you expect these two teams to face off in a meaningful game. But then in January they both win their respective conference titles, and they are to face in the Super Bowl. What to do? Betray the team you rooted for the first 18 years of your life? Ignore the squad you spent the last four months following? Or go with the standard, “I don’t care who wins, I’m a champ either way?” The answer is that you can’t do any of them, because you haven’t shown loyalty to either one of the teams. You end up being the complete loser, because no matter what, one of your favorite teams loses. In the end, having no teams is better then having two.


So there they are, the five worst types of fans. Now it’s time to look in the mirror and make sure that you are none of these things. You don’t want to be the Y.M.C.A. guy do you?