What side are you on?

ri·val·ry (noun) - a competitive or antagonistic state or condition

I love rivalries. It’s what separates sports from other forms of entertainment. You don’t see a Tom Hanks movie and a Jack Nicholson flick released on the same weekend, a week before Christmas, every year. The odds of Eminem and Jay-Z dropping albums on the same day are tinier then Tyson Chandler’s trophy room. And Jay Leno probably watches David Letterman as often as he eats salad. (OK, I’m sorry, he’s not that big)

But that’s not the case in athletics. No matter what, weather it’s for a birth in the Rose Bowl or both squads are winless, Michigan and Ohio State will face off on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Like it or not, the Red Sox and Yankees will play each other sometime in September and it will decide the American League East. Dick Vitale would have to be in jail or on his deathbed to miss a North Carolina-Duke game.

Families don’t speak the week that Alabama plays Auburn. Saying the name ‘Marino’ anywhere near a Jets fan and expect to get a nasty look. And you can’t even think of Magic Johnson anymore without Larry Bird creeping into your brain.

Without rivalries, why would it be newsworthy that the wives of Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal each gave birth five minutes apart? If they were playing Idaho instead of Stanford, would Cal’s 1982 kickoff return be called ‘the play’? Would AJ Pierzynski have a permanent headache if his team hadn’t played the Cubs a couple weeks ago?

Rivalries define the sports world. ESPN devotes an entire week to them during college basketball season. I know a fellow Florida Gator fan who refuses to draft Peyton Manning or Jamal Lewis in his fantasy football league because those guys played at Tennessee. At my high school, a team’s entire season was based on weather they beat our rival.

So instead of being like most writers and creating a list of the greatest rivalries, the most under and over rated rivalries, or the most memorable rivalry moments, I’m going to give you something else. It’s what every border war, cross-town clash or battle for bragging rights must have:

1) There must be mutual hatred

I always thought it was funny when people said that Yankees-Red Sox was the greatest rivalry in all of sports. From what I saw, it seemed that Sox fans hated the Yanks, and that Yankees fans hated that their squad was the butt of many jokes on ‘Seinfeld’. Then came 2004, the 3-0 series lead, Big Papi, the bloody sock, Damon’s game seven grand slam and the greatest playoff comeback in sports history. Finally, a hatred that even a New Englander and New Yorker can agree on.

2) They have to be close in terms of proximity
Obviously this doesn’t apply to non-team sports, and I’ll even admit that there are some rare exceptions (Ex: Lakers-Celtics) But for the most part, for teams to be considered rivals, they have to be in the same division / conference / league or for college, the same state or general part of the country. That means that Michigan-Notre Dame, though they are in neither the same conference nor state, are rivals, since they are both Midwestern schools. USC-Notre Dame on the other hand, isn’t considered a real rivalry. Confusing yes, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

3) The games have to mean something

Everybody’s heard it. Two schools, separated by just eight miles and a shade of blue. A combined seven National Titles, 30 Final Fours, two legendary coaches and maybe a hundred All-Americans. But what if Duke and North Carolina didn’t battle for ACC supremacy every year. Would we care? Think about it. Do we care about Duke-NC State, whose campuses are even closer together? Do we giggle in anticipation for North Carolina-Wake Forest, schools that have produced better professional players? No, we watch the Devils and Heels because those games always have an impact on the ACC standings and national rankings.

4) There has to be at least one player / coach / personality that is absolutely hated by the opponent.
Broncos fans would probably give five years off the back of their life to see Raiders owner Al Davis fall down one of the Rocky Mountains. Eagles fans cheered like the stadium was offering free cheese-steaks when Michael Irvin broke his leg in Philly a couple of years back. And as a Bulls fan growing up, I put John Starks on the evil-person plateau of Nazi’s, racists and Auric Goldfinger. It’s true that as a fan you boo louder at the opponent then cheer for your own squad. And nothing gets you yelling louder then a guy that you just flat out hate. (Jim Edmonds, I’m talking to you)

5) One of the teams home has to be considered legendary
Bears-Packer has Lambeau Field. USC-UCLA has the Rose Bowl. Cubs-Cardinals has Wrigley Field. The list goes on and on. It’s no surprise that the biggest of rivalry games are played on the grandest of stages. Would Lakers-Celtics have been as riveting if there hadn’t been about 30 banners hanging above the court in the Boston Garden? And if you you’re thinking of a rivalry that you’re not sure if it has a classic home, you can take this test: Close your eyes, and think of an important game played in that ballpark / arena / stadium / dome in the past 20 years. If you come up with nothing, you fail.

Well there it is, the five keys to a great rivalry. All you have to do now is pick a side, or more importantly, pick an enemy. Good luck, and GO BEARS!

Five thoughts running through my sports-infested head:

-Thursday was the first time in a week I didn’t take the red line down to Addison and go to work, and quite honestly, my legs thanked me for that. Other then the 2-4 record, the home stand was a good one. I averaged $127.15 a game, doing jumbo hot dogs each day. We had our first sweltering hot days of the season over the weekend, and those are never fun, but I survived.

-I really like the Phil Nevin-Jerry Harriston trade for the Cubs. Nevin is a power hitter built for Wrigley who can play either corner in-field sport as well as left field. And Harriston was about as useful as 27-cent stamps.

-The constant ad’s and promos on ESPN have gotten me so excited for the World Cup that I may actually watch a couple of minutes of a game or two.

-I’m no hockey fan, but I really love this Stanley Cup finals match up. From the West you have Edmonton, which is about the most puck-loving city in the world. And in the East is Carolina, where I’m guessing more people recognize Dale Erndhart Jr’s. assistant crew chief then Wayne Gretzkey.

-What do Michael Olowokandi, Mike Bibby,Raef LaFrentz, Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter, Robert Traylor, Jason Williams, and Larry Hughes have in common? They were all picked before Dirk Nowitzki in the 1998 first round. While some of these guys are good players, and at one time you could argue that Bibby, Jamison and Vince were all the best of this class, you have to wonder how a seven-footer who shoots like Steve Kerr could last until the ninth pick. The big loser in all of this is the Milwaukee Bucks, who actually took Dirk but dealt him to Dallas for Traylor on draft day. Other top players picked outside of the top nine that year include Paul Pierce (tenth overall), Al Harrington (25th), and second round studs Rashard Lewis (32nd) and Cuttino Mobley (41st).